Sunday April 12, 2020
Sleep: 7 hours 56 minutes (score: 85)
Overall: crazy sliding scale of emotions ending in exhaustion
Is that an actual overall emotion? I am pretty sure I made that up. But it is true! I had some really good feelings to do and some very stressed out feelings. I woke up early, but not as early as I had wanted, to get stuff done, then go to my parents' house for Easter where I did some social media stuff and then enjoyed brunch (ish) with my parents and sister's family. My nephew is a very funny four year old. Then I frantically tried to get things done while they all enjoyed a movie. Then I freaked out about a video I had to make for PoSSUM 13 and tried to do four things at once. It was a busy day. I am exhausted. Mom, if you are reading this thank you for getting me through today.
I know I have a million side projects going on, but honestly that doesn't seem like the problem to me. For the most part it feels manageable. I think the biggest thing is that everyone else's lives got put on hold and as a result everyone wants all my help cashed in right now. It is so exciting to see everyone finally doing what they want to be doing and I am so happy to be a part of it for everyone... but all at the same time is a bit much for me. I think the other thing I I work hard to get all this stuff done and before I would do that so on the weekends I could go see family or friends, go outside and do stuff, go to a coffee shop and read, I don't know what. But anymore the only reason to hurry up and get stuff done is to go do more stuff. Which is great but it isn't purely for me. And people are like "self love" but hurrying up to get stuff done only to sit in my apartment, even if it is in a self love kind of way... still makes me just want to do work.
I don't know. It is a weird complex. Something I should probably figure out before I have to sit in the Orion capsule to go to the moon or sit in an analog mission simulation. But that is the point of it, right? Maybe I need to find a book to get excited about again...
I also think I might have to step up into a true leadership role coming up. There is a bit of a conflict and I want to figure out how to handle it with keeping all parties happy and productive and not feeling attacked. Y'all know I suck at confrontation so it will be interesting to see how this goes. Good news is I have to hid behind a keyboard to do it and that should give me the courage and time to remain calm and logical. Yay social distancing!
Alright friends, I am utterly exhausted. Gotta be ready to hit it hard tomorrow!
Monday April 13, 2020
Sleep: 7 hours 22 minutes (score: 85)
Overall: wildly positive
Oh. My. NASA. Today was epic. Okay before I tell you why... let's do the less fun stuff. Which was still super great.
I am starting to get into some planning type systems engineering at work. You know me, planning to a bigger goal is my jam. That has been fun. And makes me feel better about my job. My ground school was pretty interesting today too and I was definitely getting it. I think it is interesting to see where I thrive and where I struggle. I struggled with the components of an airplane and knowing exactly where everything was and how it worked (weird for a mechanical engineer... I know I am ashamed) but I am kicking but with big picture how an airplane works (oh hey there is that systems engineer) and protocol and rules of the skies. I think it is really showing me how my brain works and why I enjoy organized big picture so much. Interesting observation.
The other notable thing from today has been my P13 social media team. This has been a unique experience too because I am used to doing everything myself. I was really worried about working in a team, worried that the other members would be "doing it wrong" in my mind and that I was a control freak. Turns out... the extra help has been amazing. And the extra skill in areas I am lacking is exciting to see. And I think I am even handling any type of conflict well. Remember how I said PoSSUM was nice because it showed me I could actually be an astronaut? This is the same way. It is showing me I am a good team player and I can lead a team. And not totally fail at it.
Okay... I think I have kept you all waiting long enough... I AM GOING TO ICELAND! And I am sure if you just glanced at this page you saw that first because it is in all caps and you didn't even read the rest of my insightful growing experiences. That is fine because I, Bailey, am going, as in flying, to Iceland, as in the land of Ice. I can't believe it. It was an Instagram "tag a friend" publicity stunt. I can't tell you how many of those I have done for a t shirt or a sweatshirt or a telescope. Never won. I stopped doing them because I kept losing. And that is just fine with me because the one time I did it again, I won a trip to Iceland! And the best part? It is still space related! They partnered with the GeoSpace group and part of the prize is an "Astronaut Training Expedition". Honestly, I have no clue what that means but it has Astronaut in the name! I did some research and the reason this is so cool is because GeoSpace focuses on the volcanoes in Iceland where the Apollo astronauts trained! The volcanoes are the closest thing to the lunar surface that we have here on Earth and the training involved a lot of planetary science. Who knows if I will get to go do exactly that, but just being in the same arena is... mind blowing and exciting. I am getting goosebumps and stomach flips just thinking about it. In fact my heart rate already raised to 80 bpm. Okay cool down Bailey cool down. I seriously danced around my apartment for... longer than I care to admit... and to no music... and the shades were definitely open. God I hope my one of my neighbors saw and was like "wonder what happened there..." I am also really excited because one of the things on my bucket list is to see the Northern Lights. If that happens I can tell you right now I am going to cry. SO GET READY FOLKS. And I might even do a little Europe exploring since I have never been... and I mean I am already so close... ish...
In general, this is a reminder that I am doing the right thing. I am all about personal connection and I was just my whimsical self with this competition and it worked. It also worked because I have taken opportunities to get me ready to say yes when the chance presented itself. I'm really doing it guys... and I am staying true to myself the whole way.
Also... I kind of signed up for a PoSSUM class on how to design a human factors experiment and I am behind in the class so I have to spend the rest of the week playing catch up but I hope it will really help me with prepping for my research paper and possible even help me come up with an experiment for microG. I know. I am sorry. I have no self control and keep saying yes to things.
Today was a great reminder of what I am really trying to do here. And that's to just have on helluva ride.
Tuesday April 14, 2020
Sleep: 5 hours 53 minutes (score: 82)
Well my weight is holding steady at 101 lbs... but it isn't that healthy weight I was talking about. My sleep has also been going down hill (in terms of schedule) but my sleep score is relatively consistent too. Know what that means? My body is being trained to truly sleep when it is asleep. I will take that as a win!
Part of the reason for my crappy sleep last night was when I got into bed... I couldn't sleep. For seriously an hour. I started daydreaming about Iceland. Which I am aware that if I had just gone to sleep it would have been considered normal dreaming and this issue would be nonexistent but you should really just tell that to my subconscious. But then it turned into thinking about different experiments and classes from high school to my future and my mind would not shut up. In a good way though. If I hadn't needed sleep I would have gladly stayed up all night following that train of thought. Just to see where it would go.
Today was productive and good too! I spoke to a 3rd grade class about why I want to become an astronaut on Zoom. It was really fun and I got to hear some cute stories. Today felt like a "okay get your feet back under you" day in general. Feeling good again.
Today is also the 13th anniversary of me earning my black belt. I could have an entire website dedicated solely to the different ways martial arts has helped me turn me into the person I am. In fact I think I might start a running list so I will be ready. Maybe it will even help me start formulating advice on how to be successful. Obviously being physically active, gaining coordination, and learning to test my limits but not cross them (because it hurts when you do) has been a huge impact. I also really understood basic physics from learning principles from a young age without even realizing it. From the social side I have learned how to be an individual and a team player and how the two are not independent of each other. I also learned what it means to be a leader, to be a second in command, and to be a follower and different team dynamics. I learned the importance of a true team (or family) and the heart that will carry. And for the self side of things... I have learned more than I can put to words. I think the biggest two are to be mindful and how to be confident. Mindfulness is watching the world around you and not obsessing over it, but just observing and seeing how you and your actions play into a larger picture, often served with a heaping side of empathy. The confidence is something I am still trying to understand. I think it is important to be humbly confident. That would mean knowing that everyone has something they can teach you, but also trusting that you have something to teach everyone. I think that self trust piece is super important. A lot of confidence in decisions and life comes not from knowing you are making the right choice and that nothing will go wrong, but that you made the best choice you could and you can go back and justify your decision to others and more importantly yourself. I think that level of confidence stems from mindfulness.
Whoa. Did you guys just see Buddha? Sorry I didn't mean to go all zen on y'all but I love diving down into that rabbit hole. Might have to do some journaling and self reflection. I will keep you posted on what I discover.
Ended tonight with music and feeling good. I always forget what a crucial part of my life music is. I can always go back to it. Have another big day tomorrow and I am already past my bed time.
Wednesday April 15, 2020
Sleep: 5 hours 53 minutes (score: 86)
Overall: averagely positive
Another pretty decent day! I said averagely positive because I felt great today but when I think about it, it was a fairly average day. Well... I guess as average as my life can be... There were a few cool things.
The first one was some work wins! We had an insanely long meeting today... but I jumped into action afterwards and did my little Bailey planning type type type thing. I feel like I did a great job and felt really productive. I hope it came across that way. I really love planning and seeing big picture. See what you need to get done and then how to get it done. Freaking great. I hope I can do this more in my career.
The other thing was... still a work thing... wow that's weird. Anyways do you remember that cyber security thing that I told you about? It happened today! It took a lot of planning but I think it went really well! I did the host thing and brought my A game. It was weird because I still don't know anything about cyber security so people would say things and I would be like "um...yeah no that is totally true." And I had to call on people and guys.... believe me when I say I SUCK at names. And I hate it. Like seriously one of the biggest things you can do to get me all panic-y is to make me say hard names out loud or read out loud with big words. I don't know why. Maybe there is some childhood trauma from reading circles in elementary school deep in there... But other than that it was great. And I think they're going to give me a book!
Other than that it was a mild day. I had ground school tonight (it was really hard... VOR ammiright?) and general Bailey activities. So nothing else to report. Upon reflection, I think why I am feeling so positive for such an average day is because I got to do things I am really good at today for work. It was exciting! I do work things where they aren't horrible but not my strengths... but holy crap doing things that align with my natural skills? It really makes everything so much better!
Also I felt like today was Friday all day today. So that was kind of a let down.
Thursday April 16, 2020
Sleep: 6 hours 50 minutes (score: 86)
Overall: averagely positive
Another day closer to the end of quarantine... I am sure... Overall, I had a decent day. Did you see my weight really spiked? I did eat a bunch of microwave Mexican food before dinner... but it still doesn't feel like a healthy weight. It was pretty boring at work (sadly) and that is why I gave it an average again. But still positive. I did some planning for the projects and presentations I have planned for this weekend but I have a lot to do still. I had class for Space Econ and we got to talk to founder of TransAstra. It was so cool! I was a bit exhausted from my live earlier today and I wasn't willing to fight to ask a question.
So my big thing for the day was going live on my Instagram. I wanted to talk about Imposter Syndrome and I did but it didn't come out as eloquent as I had planned in my head. And I cried. Twice. The first time it was talking about my biggest insecurity when it comes to imposter syndrome, my technical ability and true left brain intelligence. I really don't feel like I have it compared to most engineers. I was planning on talking about that but I guess it is a bigger insecurity than I originally thought because I got flustered when I was talking about. So I cried. I have always struggled with crying but I have gotten it down to crying when I am flustered/don't know what to say or when I am happy/moved. Then I got myself back and kept talking.
Then Matt came on and said nice words and made me feel great but he left some great words. His tip for imposter syndrome was "get used to it." And I agree completely. Then we all talked more and stuff and it was great and Ron wanted to come on and share a story with me. Cue waterworks round two. But this was happy! And moved! He talked about Neil freaking Armstrong not freaking good enough. It was great. Really great. And I cried. As I do. Finally Cat came on... she is pretty cool. All of them have very unique stories and none of them went to college right after high school for a STEM degree. And they all have been huge inspirations to me.
Which means they also felt imposter syndrome pretty freaking hard. It was cool to have them come on. Overall, it taught me I still feel things. And probably a lot harder than I am letting on to everyone else or, more importantly, myself. I definitely feel like I don't got this and worried (but more educationally curious) about how my life and career will turn out. I have such a wide range of people who believe in me, why is it so hard to believe in myself?
The other point I wanted to make and I hope turned out well was to trust what you are good at to carry you to where you want to be. I am good with people and big picture. Which means I talk to people to understand technical things and then remember it by applying it to a larger picture. It isn't bad, just different. And the biggest thing is that if you are feeling imposter syndrome, you are challenging yourself and doing something right. "Get used to it."
Weird day for sure. Emotional. More emotional than I was expecting. More emotional than I was emotionally ready for. Guess that means I care!
Friday April 18, 2020
Sleep: 7 hours 12 minutes (score: 87)
What a perfectly mundane day. Nothing really stood out today. Work was boring. I spent a lot of time troubleshooting administrative issues today. Felt like a waste. I got a little bit of work and planning done here and there, relaxed a bit and watched TV... I think that is my downfall. I love watching TV because it is a brain break but for some reason I can't seem to turn it off again. I just convince myself I can leave it on in the background. But guys. The truth is... I just can't. I need to keep it off more. But ground school was interesting today. It was about weather... fascinating subject. Wish I had time to learn more about it but I really don't have time to do it all.
I am mostly worried about that for this weekend... trying to do it all... I have two presentations, two major papers, tons of minor papers, and some general planning to do... I gotta figured out how to get my productive mojo back. I think I am so overwhelmed with all the things I need to do that I spent my time planning on how I am going to do it instead of just getting it done. On the flip side... I am still sticking to my plan relatively well... it is just intimidating to see everything left for this weekend.
Anyways... Like I said it was a bland day. Not too much to report... I am hungry though. I think I need to work on my diet and more specifically the timing of my meals. Stick to a schedule. But then again it is well past midnight so my sleep schedule is completely out of whack, why shouldn't every thing else be too??? Hope tomorrow is productive!
Saturday April 18, 2020
Sleep: 7 hours 17 minutes (score: 86)
Well... I definitely feel like I am running in place on a treadmill... but when I look at my list I am getting things checked off! So I guess that is good. Today was pretty productive for most of the day. A lot of homework and PoSSUM work. The coolest thing I did today was work on a "Social Media 101" power point presentation for my PoSSUM 13 squad. I am really excited about that. I worked really hard on the presentation and making the information fun and easy to understand. Once again... this is where I shine! Planning, presentations, social media, and helping others. LET'S GO! I am giving it tomorrow. I am a little nervous but it should be fun.
I also was supposed to see the ThunderBirds today. What a let down... They were going to do a fly by the entire Front Range in honor of the medical staff and front line essential personnel through COVID-19. They got started late so they cut a few stops off their original route, including me. I wish they would have told us that! I waited outside for almost an hour... it the cold... when I could have been doing homework! Oh well. Tons of my Denver friends got to see them and sent me pictures so I am glad people enjoyed it! And what a cool thing for the Air Force to do.
I ended the night with a movie and relaxing. It was nice to just... chill for a bit. I stayed up way too late again... tomorrow is going to hurt. And I need to be insanely productive tomorrow! Oh no!
I said positive today because it was nice to feel productive. I think it was an average day but I felt good about the average-ness so positive it is!