(Mandatory) Analog Mission Week 6 – Are We There Yet?

Sunday April 27, 2020

Sleep: 6 hours 44 minutes (score: 83)

Weight: 101.6

Exercise: no

Overall: positive

PT: no

I had a fairly good day today! It was nice to have a decent and productive day. I feel like I have been in a tail spin for the last week. I got a lot of solid work done today (although I have more to do tomorrow) and did a lot of social things throughout the day too. Those social conference calls really do make me happier. I will have to remember that. But I am also getting kind of sick of the stay at home thing... I just would like to go out to a bar or sit in a coffee shop or go out to dinner or something. Go see a movie maybe? Honestly I didn't do that stuff a WHOLE lot before all this but now that it has been almost two months since everything started getting weird... it feels off to not go out at all. I tried comparing it to astronaut stuff... I think that is different. It isn't like I have the option to go out and I am told to stay inside. I wonder if that is different or if this isolation thing is the same.

Honestly I think I am handling the isolation thing like a champ. It isn't nearly as bad as I thought and I could confidentially do this for a long duration. I maintain a schedule fairly well and I find ways to keep myself busy. I hope that is a NASA interview question in the future. "And how did you handle the isolation due to COVID-19 in 2020?" *candidate breaks down crying and runs out of room* *NASA interviewer makes mark on clipboard* Goodness... I am so funny. I crack myself up. Like today... I named my project for Space Econ. It is a system... named Advanced Lunar Regolith Mining.... which makes it my ALRM System! I am literally laughing out loud right now I find myself to be so funny.

I also did a social media powow with my P13 social media team. And we planned for a larger PoSSUM Social Media take over. Mwahaha. In all my free time. Then we talked to a few older P13 members about social media, career, direction, all that stuff. It was really fun. And inspiring. I gotta get on this TEDTalk thing. Seriously. Then I did a live on A Space Story with an artist named Jacob Coble. I was kind of wary at first because he asked me if he could come live and I was like "uhhhh... I mean... uhhhhh" but it was actually amazing. He offered cool insight about being an artist who focuses on the scientific accuracy of the things he paints. Super interesting.

And I wrote my ALRM System presentation and currently about half way done with my sleep study paper of PoSSUM EDU101. OKAY BUY GUYS. I used all the data I had been gathering through quarantine and graphed it, analyzing how my sleep affected my mood and it wa FASCINATING. I am so intrigued and I will have to do more analysis. But I will share ALL the graphs with you don't worry. Maybe I will even share my PoSSUM paper. Then all of you can get obsessed with sleep hygiene just like me! I know I have already convinced a few of you out there.

Okay well it is really late and I am super energized. Wish i had this energy about 14 hours ago... I would have been in a much better situation. Also my washing machine is still broken. Also I am hungry. But that is about all in my life. I feel like just in the writing and analysis you can tell I am feeling better. Here is to a great week!

Monday April 27, 2020

Sleep: 4 hours 33 minutes (score: 73)

Weight: 100.6

Exercise: yes

Overall: negative beginning, positive ending, equals average

PT: yes

This whole day as an emotional roller coaster. When I got up I felt like crap. And when I worked out I got sick. Just overheated and pure exhaustion. I realized the lack of sleep and the forgetting to eat dinner last night was... so college freshmen of me. It was horrible. I definitely have been going to hard. And work was hard to focus. And I am gonna be completely transparent with you guys now because it is in the past... but I rejected an INSANE job offer today. Like amazing. I still feel like I might have made a bit of a mistake. I got the interview completely by chance and apparently it went well. I have been getting comfortable with my current job and that makes it easy to forget about the big picture of what I want to do. I turned down this job because it wasn't exactly space. And even if I am not getting space in my job right now, I need to be working towards that. I feel so empowered by turning down an amazing job offer, but it was so hard. I liked them so much and they sounded so sad when I said no. I just want to be their friends! But now I know I can say no. There is a first time for everything right? ...I was just so emotionally drained after that.

Then I went live on Dr. Proctor's Space Snacks show. It was fun to just talk about food and fun space things in general. I always feel better after going live. And after work I got my paper done. It wasn't fun but the feeling of getting it done made my day positive. I also talked to a financial planner today so I am hoping to get something moving there.

I need to go to bed like RIGHT NOW to not have fatigue tomorrow. And I have another big day tomorrow. Oh and side note... finally got my washing machine fixed!

Tuesday April 28, 2020

Sleep: 6 hours 24 minutes (score: 72)

Weight: 100.6

Exercise: yes

Overall: positive, tired

PT: yes

Pretty good day! Work felt pretty productive and I feel like I am getting back on track. I had SO many phone calls and meetings and videos today. I got started on two new projects (because one thing ended so I have to take on two things right?) that I am excited about (and took up a lot of time tonight). The first one is a proposal with my space resources group for a lunar project and the other is for an analog mission with my PoSSUM group. Who knows if anything will come out of either one but it is fun to work on. Learning team dynamics with a new team all over again!

I also did a happy hour social zoom with some space ladies and then Explore Mars. It was fun! And I got my social buzz in which might be why I felt so positive today even though I am absolutely exhausted.

Now what deeper topic do I have today... Nothing much honestly. I didn't have any massive papers due or anything stressful today. Even though it was a full day of work and projects and some school in there, not having constant pressure hanging over me made a difference. I think I am back on a manageable level. So maybe I will have some more deep insight tomorrow. I think the best thing I thought about was how I am going to address my live on Thursday. Specifically the women in STEM talk. I have a... unique perspective on that.

Finally, my mom saw a starlink constellation tonight! She called me all freaked out! It was funny. I think it is cool... but tbh I hate starlink. Why you gotta go and ruin everyone's night views?


Wednesday April 29, 2020

Sleep: 7 hours 6 minutes (score: 81)

Weight: 101.0

Exercise: yes

Overall: positive, tired

PT: yes

Alright... soooo... now that I only have half a million things to do... I really miss the other half... Is that bad? What is wrong with me?

I had a hard time at work again today. Still trying to get stuff done, just not as fun as it was before. I just want to be part of the team! And they all seem to be doing their own things. *sigh* I hope I figure that out. But I did have an AMAZING email exchange with a lady through the diversity initiative about imposter syndrome. She wrote a blog post for us and oh. my. god. It was good. I want to share it but I don't know if it belongs to my company or not. If I can share it I will... It made me feel SO much better.

What else did I do today... I sat in on a women in grad school session for Mines, I joined the NASA Nebula team for a conference call, felt productive, and I want to my parents' house for dinner! Got in a heated debate with my father over politics... as one does... it was lovely. I felt off while I was there. For the first time in a long time it felt like walking into a room full of strangers. I don't know why... is that the isolation piece? That it is weird to fall into normal human contact again? Maybe? I don't know... I felt awkward in general. But hey I am pretty good at being awkward. One of the things we did was go through my old books. Oh man. SO many good books. I found a few which I remember reading... literally over and over again. Like one of them I finished it for the 20th time, felt sad I was done and literally started over again and jumped right back into it from the beginning. I guess I have been a nerd for a while now...

Other than that just getting my ducks in a row. I think I need to get serious about this social media thing. I have gotten a pretty solid growth recently and now it is time to move to the next step, whatever that is. I think I should plan out posts now and spend a few hours every week dedicated to figuring this stuff out. It is going to require some self control and focus on my part. But that is one goal. I also finished the TV show I had been binge watching today so that will help a lot in terms of time! I just get so into TV... it is good to be aware of!

I have a big day tomorrow! So many lives and video chats... oh man... it will be a wild one. But I think it will be very memorable too. I am going to go live and talk about teamwork. One aspect of teamwork I want to focus on is ego. So we will see how that goes.

Thursday April 30, 2020

Sleep: 6 hours 18 minutes (score: 79)

Weight: 101.6

Exercise: yes

Overall: positive, tired

PT: no

Okay TODAY was a WILD day. Like idk what even happened today man. First of all I had seven zoom/video sessions of some sort. And because of that I put contacts in today and it literally killed me. My eyes hate me so much right now.

Zoom #1 - I talked to a lady from France who I met from a Space4Women network opportunity. SHE WAS SO COOL! She started off in aerospace engineering and has moved into a manager role so we talked about that for a while. I think she will be a solid alley to have in the space world. I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation.

Zoom #2 - Janet from Janet's Planet hosted THE Wally Funk. I listened to her talk about EVERYTHING and I loved every second of it. Then I got up the nerve to tell her my story. I am 23 years old and she was 23 years old for space stuff and I just got excited. Then I asked my question. It was essentially along the lines of "do you struggle at all?" and she essentially sad "no." move to the next question. And it was HUMILIATING. Oh my god this women does not realize how long I have built this up in my head. Even talking about her thought process when NASA said no to women would have been fascinating. Did she get angry? Did she just immediately accept it and move on? But  got "no. not at all." Like what. Ugh. In the words of my friends "never meet your idols".

Zoom #3 - I did a class room visit with a first grade class. Why was this cool? IT WAS MY MATH TEACHER'S FIRST GRADE CLASS! From High School! Mrs. Ables! Remember her? Hated math but only survived it because of her? C's straight through? But I remember her being pregnant... AND IT WAS WITH THE GIRL WHO WAS SITTING IN THAT CLASS TODAY! LIKE WHAT. FULL FREAKING CIRCLE. It is hard to talk to young kids but you just get excited about space with them and its fun enough. Really made me feel good today.

Work was good. Fairly productive. Kind of frustrating at times. BUT MY DUDES. I talked to one lady about a blog post she wrote on imposter syndrome. Oh my dude. It is amazing. She just... hit the nail on the head and put words to everything I was saying. Like where I can't find words. I REALLY hope I can share it one day. AND she has this incredible NASA background of her wanting to be an astronaut too. So yeah. We are going to be talking more. God I love space people.

Live #3 - I did a live with an amazing space artist named Lanchen. She wanted to talk to me about becoming an astronaut. So I literally got to talk about space for half an hour. It was amazing. SO FREAKING GREAT. And she was a great host. Super grateful and open and asked about me a lot. It was fun. I hope we stay instagram friends.

Live #4 - My Bailey Live! Those are becoming my favorites. They get WILD. I did not cry this time. But I did do a lot of ranting. It was great. I did a whole talk about team work and the different aspects that I find important or interesting all those things. And then I went on a little women in STEM rant. It was glorious. I think it was really positive and a lot of people stayed on the entire time. I hope I said somethings that really resonated with people. On the instragram thing. it was a LOT of stories today. I finally did Jeffrey's poll about if my hair was red or not in that one picture. I DO NOT SEE IT. The majority of my followers voted ginger and I am literally... flabbergasted. Like what. So that was a whole thing. Someone even made a game show called "What Color is Bailey's Hair?" and did a bunch of tests. It . was. wild. I have some CRAZY fans. Freaking amazing. Finally, I ended my live with someone asking what my favorite planet is. I usually say Venus but I threw in that I like Pluto. And Jupiter (the person not the planet) LOST IT. She got so frustrated so that leads me to impromtu live....

Live #6 - I ran out of time talking on my live and we couldn't discuss Pluto properly. And then Jupiter immediately got off and did HER first live and brought me on and we argued about Pluto. And she realized that I agree right now that Pluto is not technically a planet. One of the rules is Pluto must clear its orbital path. And it is too small to do that. And we agree. Then I ENGINEERED HER (as I do) and explained my goal to CLEAR Pluto's orbital path FOR IT so that IT CAN ONCE AGAIN BE A PLANET. And now I am a hero. I KNEW that was a good idea. Now we have a whole movement called #MakePlutoAPlanetAgain or #MPAPA and it is really going to take off I think.

Zoom #7 - My last space econ class. Honestly it has been my favorite class so far. I feel like I learned a lot and the work wasn't overwhelming and Jeffrey presented it in a fun way. I think the other thing was we learned the concepts in the videos and then applied them in the homework. We did not have to learn the concepts in the homework and make our best guess. It was refreshing. I am actually really sad it is over. I have a few more things to finish up and then I have officially completed my first year of grad school. Wow.

Spent the rest of the evening relaxing which was nice. I turned in my MDRS application so that might happen. I also am starting Chuck over again. VERY underrated show. I feel like me again. Happy, funny, wishful Bailey. Not pulled in too many directions Bailey. But that second Bailey is how I get things done... such a conflict.

Friday May 1, 2020

Sleep: 5 hours 7 minutes (score: 72)

Weight: 101.6

Exercise: yes

Overall: very positive

PT: no

I am so drained. I mean just look at my sleep score. Abysmal. I realized that literally FIVE DAYS AGO was Monday and I made a huge life decision that could have effectively altered my life course. And it was all downhill from there. I am so glad I don't have ground school going on too. I am very close to getting my life back on track I think. Truly being in the blue zone and just really flowing properly.

My mom and I have this metaphor. It is really hard to explain but it has to do with a puzzle. Right now I thought I was in the "start putting pieces together" phase or at least the "group by color" phase but right now I feel like I am still taking pieces out of the box and placing them with the picture facing up. I will get there. Patience Bailey.

Today was pretty good. Had a fairly solid start and was moving at work today. I just wish I could do more honestly. When work was done I worked on some P13 things and some school things. Then I had a call with the Moon Elevator guy about how to progress my career. Lots of solid tips and directions I didn't even think about. I guess we will see what happens... I need to talk through that conversation and absorb it all.

Then I went on a LONG mountain drive. Very fun. Got lost and had to turn around way too many times. A lot of good feelings that drive.

The night essentially ended with me having another existential crisis. This one was not super space or career related. But guys. I need you to believe me when I say I feel things. SO vividly. And the more I talk to people the more alien and weird I feel. I am not talking like "I have memories where I feel like I am there it is so vivid." It is like emotional, physical, everything feelings. And they often times feel like they are swirling around me or even in me and I just... I don't have words. I need to find out what it is. If there is an actual like psychological term. I don't feel like what I am talking about is an empath. And it is amazing, don't get me wrong. But it is exhausting. And my biggest realization was about how it made me feel lonely. I feel lonely because of my deep connection to humans, emotions, and connections in general. I had a realization tonight that I might not ever be able to truly communicate what I feel. And maybe -nobody in the world will be able to understand ALL of me. I LOVE human connection so I open up to different people. A lot of people have pieces of understanding me, some very important pieces. But nobody is going to understand every aspect. Maybe this is a larger fear in that I don't understand myself and  I need to try to in order to feel connected again. But really? It is just lonely. That is the best word. My overall feeling is not and couldn't be lonely. I have such amazing people in front of me. But it feels so lonely to never be able to communicate all of me properly. To have someone literally understand every aspect of how vividly I experience things. I don't understand. I am definitely just ranting now. I think I need to look into this more. I feel like there are tons of research and support in many places such as being wicked smart means not necessarily communicating with humans like others do or imposter syndrome or emotional intelligence. But I don't know ANYTHING that talks about things quite like me. It makes me feel even more lonely. Like I some how got this birth defect of extreme emotions or I am an alien baby accidentally left here. Or that I am making this up in my head for attention or to feel special. It honestly feels larger than that. I just don't know how to put words to it.

Maybe it will come to me in a dream. After all those are very vivid for me too.

Saturday May 3, 2020

Sleep: 5 hours 3 minutes (score: 77)

Weight: 102.0

Exercise: no

Overall: positive, productive, tired

PT: no

So today was pretty wild. I went live with an Indian group called STAR Labs and it went SO WELL. I had to get up really early today. it was 7:00PM their time so it was 7:30 AM my time. So much for a Saturday sleep in. But the video went incredibly well and as of right now it as a 10k reach. That is INSANE. Like so freaking crazy. But I am so appreciative for the opportunity and to be reaching a new group of people.  I will say the messages I have gotten are very kind, career oriented and intelligent. It is amazing.

Then I did homework and stuff. Did some work on that NASA proposal. That isn't my jam. I can't get into the project and I don't feel like I have a place on the team. It is very frustrating because I love to be passionate about what I am doing. The same goes for the PoSSUM social media stuff. I gotta figure out how to jump start that spark again. I feel like I just am waiting for something to happen. Maybe that is the quarantine talking.

Anyways I got my final quiz done... just have a last presentation and an easy worksheet to day and then school's out for summer! So that is cool!

In general I feel kind of... uppity. Like let us go do the things. But also I need to do my things. But also I don't want to do anything. Is this making sense to anyone?