End of Quarantine?

So I don't really know if this is truly the end of quarantine. But it has been like two months and things are starting to open up and it is June now and it feels like the end. I also didn't write my blog last night and I really don't feel like doing it tonight. So I guess that is as good of a time as any to stop. I have enjoyed doing this so I will try to get back into blogging. Maybe once a week. Maybe only on cool topics. Who knows.


While quarantine is ending... the curse of 2020 is ramping up again. There has been a lot in the news about the wrong doing of innocent black Americans. It has been so hard to see. Not because I am this privileged white girl who has never seen racism or is too naive to think this stuff still happens today. But because it just sucks. And I can just feel the pain of so many others and that can be enough. I truly feel the pain. Hearing the stories helps me so much. I have no shame because what has happened has never been at my hand. I can confidently say that. I will always be an alley to support differences in race but call for the unity of human race. But the fact that other's don't. I really can't understand where that logic is still coming from. It is so much easier to love than it is to hate. Hate takes so much energy and leaves a knot of anger in my stomach. Love, while it does technically take more energy, recharges the energy and then more and it leaves you feeling happy and motivated and inspired. I really and truly do not understand how people can still be this way.


Social media has left a bitter taste in my mouth. So many people are using this time to be mean and ugly back. They are posting hateful words with a #BLM at the end and it makes it okay all of the sudden. There is a complete shut down of all content not related to the movement and while I can respect that, I am the type that needs good to balance the pain. Currently I am trapped inside with tons of emotions and pain and hurt and if someone tries to post something to drag me out of this dark place I have been before and said I would never go again, they are labelled as racist because they don't care. On top of that dumb movement, I cannot support the hate that people are posting. They are claiming to be doing it in the name of justice, but they are only doing it on the surface. They are not living out the messages they are fighting for. They label others just as they preach we should not. They use this movement to use emotionally manipulative language to push their agenda and bully and shame anyone who doesn't agree with them. It is absolutely disgusting and I wish others would call it out as well. Exploiting thousands of years of pain in humanity to make you feel like a good person by spreading hate and fear... how twisted does that make you.


I hope we can make progress. I pray this is growing pains for our species and we don't regress back into our old ways once the chants have stopped. I truly believe we can grow together. I also know now more than ever I am an alley to anyone who needs me. I am confident I can lend my voice to those who cannot. I have no shame in my actions as I too hurt and explore these negative emotions that will take decades of work to heal.


What I am trying to say is I am in pain. I haven't felt this way in a long time. And I am an engineer. Which means I fix things that are broken. And there is no equation to solve this problem. A helper and a doer like me finds that to be the most frustrating thing ever, especially surrounded by so much pain. I want to solve it. But I can't. So I will only vow to not be part of the problem. I will use my voice. But it still will be my voice speaking.