Sunday May 10, 2020
Sleep: 9 hours (score: 87)
Overall: average (6)
Hello? Is this thing on?
I was thinking, I don't entirely know why I am still doing this. I mean I have blogged every day for 8 weeks. Honestly that is pretty impressive. But I don't think anyone reads this and at this point it is going on too long... I like the data I am keeping but I don't necessarily have to put it on a public forum and edit it to fit word press and such... I don't know... If you are reading this and want me to keep going... give me a shout out in the comments or text me or something... otherwise I might stop... or I might not. Who knows?
Anyways today was a work day. I got TONS of sleep finally (although I am sad how low my sleep score was for how much sleep I did get...) and I feel much better. Just want to keep that up and not let anything keep me up too late. This week I will be focusing on my sleep schedule but I also will be focusing on my skin care, specific work out routines that I can maintain after quarantine, and getting my planning back on track.
I got that NASA proposal officially done! And my PoSSUM proposal done too. It feels good. I have my PoSSUM presentation now but other than that... we are looking good. I also started watching the last season of Clone Wars. Ugh. What a good show. And Star Wars is amazing. It just makes my heart happy. And gives me new Star Wars things which is always good.
I do feel a little weird today. A little off and very tired for how much sleep I got... I did get my water goal though. And peed a lot today. Other than that I guess I will keep on and see what happens. I still have this sense that something is about to change and I am going to get a break... I just don't know what it is or why or in what arena of my life it is in... I just don't know. I just feel it in my gut.
Updates from my A Space Story live: UAE announced their first Mars robotics mission, Russian said they want 3 lunar missions by 2025, China launched their human capsule in an uncrewed mission, and NASA announced Lucy is adding a moon stop on its mission. Lucy is that amazing mission I blogged about last year... find that post here.
Alright, in the name of beauty sleep, I am going to bed now.
Monday May 11, 2020
Sleep: 6 hours 37 minutes (score: 82)
Overall: positive but tired, feeling a little confused and indecisive (7)
Okay guys I have like 10 minutes before my "bed time" and I still have to brush my teeth. I don't think I am going to make it.
So today was good. Once again felt like I was contributing to something at work. I had my first mentor meeting with Kate. I am so excited. I think she can really help me! And plus we just vibe. It is so nice to feel like someone really has my back. And will defend me as needed... not just because it will benefit them but because they truly believe in me. Man... get yo self a mentor who cares. Ammiright? It feels so good.
I am having a little uncertainty right now. In a lot of different areas of my life. I don't want to get into the details too much (especially on such a public forum) but I have a lot of decisions to make. In people, in career, in me and my direction... I am scared I am going to live with a decision that I can't justify to myself. Or that I am going to have to look back and say "what if" or something. I don't know. I feel like I am at that turning point in the movie where your heart goes out to the main character and you just have to wait and see how it all plays out. But instead I am the main character. And this is my actual life, not a movie. And I can't fast forward to get to the part where I come to peace with my decision. It is a lot of... anxiety. Not like the scary kind where you talk to therapists and go on meds. But like... I know I am still alive and I still care.
But on a happier note... I submitted my first NASA proposal today! I really like that I keep saying first... it means in my gut I feel like there will be more than one. It is just a natural part of that sentence to me. First. Anyways it was kind of stressful. Like I said I have been working on not pouring every hour of my day into this. Boundaries. But we got on a zoom session for like 2 hours or so and just cranked it out. And we all cheers-ed when our principal investigator hit submit. It was fun. Reminded me why I like being part of a team.
Anyways. I am significantly past my bed time now. It was a good day... but guys there is something on the horizon. I don't know if it is good or bad. I can just feel it.
Tuesday May 12, 2020
Sleep: 4 hours 42 minutes (score: 74)
Overall: average (5)
So... funny story about the working out thing... I did not sleep well last night at all... and so I was the first one on the zoom session with my family to work out... and i sat down on the couch. And I moved the blanket to kind of be over my lap. And I WAS OUT. Like a light. And my family worked out with my just passed out on the couch. I felt so bad. But I needed that sleep.
Today was pretty average. Nothing super epic to report. My family is going to California for my cousin's graduation... and I desperately want to go... but I also want to be a good COVID citizen. And it is literally going to be in the middle of the second wave. And I don't know. I want to go so bad. I am so frustrated with the situation. I get it. I get why it is "okay" to go and why others want to. UGH I wish there was an easy answer.
In other news I did a zoom session with Annie, a space girl! I feel like we vibed pretty well. I also feel like an idiot sometimes. And I feel like she totally just... I don't know. Shook my self confidence a bit. I feel like a little kid trying to sit at the big kids table.
Oh well. I also have already shot my chance at a good nights sleep. Here is to tomorrow!
Wednesday May 13, 2020
Sleep: 5 hours 53 minutes (score: 84)
Overall: average, more fulfilled (6)
So I have had more of a chill week... not working on projects every minute... and I think it has resulted in me getting complacent in chill and not doing things I should be doing. But I spent today with my Rubik's cube. Honestly, I have missed it. I love the puzzle and the thinking and the figuring out. It helped break up the mundane day.
Otherwise I felt off today. I went over to my grandma's for her birthday (That is 80 folks! You go girl!) and I felt like I just interacted with my family weird. Oh also I don't think I am going to go to California. One of the things we talked about is the power of being able to support local business. How we don't need government to regulate everything, but just to be smarter people. I think going to California is dumb and I believe I have enough of an influence to making this decision can "change the world" and I can live with this.
Anyways... Missed my sleep schedule again. Here is the jist. I feel socially awkward. I need to get stuff done tomorrow. I love my Rubik's cube.
Thursday May 14, 2020
Sleep: 6 hours 24 minutes (score: 82)
Overall: average, more fulfilled (6)
Pretty good day. I wouldn't go as far to say positive. But it wasn't necessarily average. I don't know man. It is weird. I think I need to get out of the house now. Had a bit of a headache all day and I felt lethargic. Really unmotivated to do anything. The Rubik's cube is coming along I guess.
I did a live on mentoring today. I think it was really good. Got like 250 views right off the bat because Ron and Sebasthian came on. Fun enough. Felt like I rambled a bit. Who knows what I will do next week. I did teach everyone that Jupiter doesn't technically orbit the sun though. Definitely blew some people's minds.
Hope I can shake this funk. Starting to think it isn't just sleep. I also am gaining weight like crazy. I know I said I didn't want to be under 100 but I am over 105 now and 105 is my comfort zone... Really going to have to watch my snacking and probably workout a little extra. Maybe getting out more will help. I will try those things coming up and see if it gets better.
Friday May 15, 2020
Sleep: 6 hours 27 minutes (score: 75)
Overall: very positive (8)
Pretty great day today. Lot of wild things happening and in the works. Work was good, I was productive the whole day. Well my day was only about 4 hours... soooo... I took off early to go mountain driving!
It was amazing. I went through my hometown and then drove around my college town. Took my favorite mountain up to Blackhawk and then took Loveland Pass down through Frisco and then home. It was so incredible. And so... like... reflective to go back to all these places. They were full of good memories. And even the bad memories had this little rose glow tint to the edges. Got out and walked around the top of Loveland Pass too. I am so grateful to live in Colorado. Seriously breathtaking.
THEN THERE WAS THE MOST INCREDIBLE DOUBLE RAINBOW OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. It was actually like a quad rainbow. AND IT WAS SO CLOSE. Like I could see where it ended. I might have to post a picture. But it won't do it justice. It was so incredible. No words. I literally have no words for the natural beauty that is Colorado.
On my way home tonight I straight up almost got t boned and it was absolutely terrifying. I am so glad I was paying attention and slammed on my breaks when that guy ran a red light. Right after that an old school friend of mine reached out apologizing for their actions and saying they were proud of how far I have come. It was weird. A weird day of weird reflection in a lot of different areas in my life. Overall, I think I realized I am pretty much at peace with my past. I think I also realized that I hold onto those painful pieces because of that insanely emotional side of me. The painful pieces are some of the most raw parts of the most intense emotions like shame, fear, loneliness, regret... And I am in this weird spot that I never thought I would be in that I have accepted them for what they are, forgave myself, and now I am holding onto them because of how raw they are and how proud I feel when I can say I overcame them. On that note, it was weird to have that person reach out to me. It made me to some more reflection. And forgive me if this sounds harsh, but it is my true thoughts as I sort through it all. This one I am still digesting. I don't know how I feel about people who have wronged me reaching out to me. Frankly I don't think I like it. Regardless of what happened between us, I am still amazingly proud of who I am. And for some people, the pain you put me through is a fraction of what made me who I am. Nothing you could say can take back the pain I felt. And you were not around for the healing process that turned into this amazing life. If you want to reach out because this is part of your healing process, awesome. I will support that to the ends of the Earth (which we all know is round and has no ends). If you want to reach out because you want to be a part of my life moving forward, well I can't promise that I will welcome you back with open arms, but I do know I don't frequently turn people away. I am one for second chances. If you are reaching out to make it easier for you to live with your actions, not really that interested. I lived with your actions so I promise you can too. If you are reaching out because I became someone of some small importance to this world, you can most definitely shove it. I can proudly say I was a real and genuine person every step of the way through my life. Today is no different than yesterday in that regard and I earned respect every day leading up to this one. It isn't my fault you didn't realize it until after other people did.
Yeah. Weird day. It was so many emotions all rolled up into one. But through the entire day I felt good. I felt empowered. I felt more confident than ever I am definitely on the right path. It was a very at peace day. That flutter in my stomach that something big is happening? Yeah it is still there. But it doesn't scare me as much after today because I feel like I got this.
Saturday May 16, 2020
Sleep: 6 hours 27 minutes (score: 81)
Overall: positive, draining (6)
It was a pretty good day I guess. I was on video chats and phone calls starting at 7AM this morning. In all I had 7 and a half hours on the some sort of meeting or phone call and most were in the morning. I had no idea zoom calls could be so draining.
The first reason was for the P13 gravity challenge. We met with the three teams we want to move forward with and did an interview. It was interesting to be part of the process. I feel like such a child among those women. I feel like I don't know what to say and they are just letting me join in because I am cute and energetic and once in a while I say funny things. But it was nice to be around them. And to mentor young girls. And see what kind of work I need to be pushing in the future. I also did some more Mines NASA work. I did my PoSSUM social media chat. Only like 10 people showed up but it was good enough I think. I was so sick of talking and being on zoom I might have rushed it but I still felt like I was personable. I don't know man. I feel shaky. Like maybe PoSSUM doesn't want my voice? It is kind of a weird and uncomfortable voice. I don't know.
I also had some long discussions about my career trajectory. I think I am placing an emphasis on my master's degree. I need to get that. I am about a year out. Everything for the next year will ensure I get that. After that... I am back to the drawing board.
I went to my parents' house tonight. They are watching my adorable nephew and I got to hang out with him. That kid is freaking hilarious. Let me tell you. I would love for you all to meet him some day. He is going to be a legend. Probably as a comedian actor.
Anyways... I had too much going on today. I didn't even get to my paper that is due. Most of these video calls would make me feel empowered and excited. I think I just did too many of them.
And I missed my bed time. Oh well. Still sleeping in!